Who am i???

Ha ha... Thought this was perfect for my post:)

Just been doing some pondering over the weekend and considering i'm still highly drugged up on medication from being sick over the previous week, i spent the lectures of today half dozing off and having constant intervals of self analysis. I also mentioned in my previous post that i had a lot on my mind. I'm not going to share with you all my thoughts and concerns at the moment, as some of them have become really cumbersome for me to get my head around and i really am struggling to overcome these concerns. However, i do know that sooner or later......

I'l get over it:)

Well, having spent a fair amount of evenings out in Durban being it 80's, Joe's or 54, it has enabled me to draw some conclusions to a number of questions of mine.

Firstly, i have mentioned to you that i have no intentions whatsoever to go out just for the sake of 'being' with someone or hooking up. I think a lot of my friends thought of me otherwise.

It's not that i have anything against it or anything but i'm just not that type of girl i guess.

And i guess i've known it from the start. I just find that personally i couldn't hook up with someone i barely know. Then again, i shouldn't talk too soon, i did kind of hook up with my ex last new years and i didn't really know him then i guess....oops.

I don't know, maybe i speak too soon but i don't think i'm that sort of person?

I think i'm a one-guy at a time sort of girl. I'm sure by reading my posts and knowing me, a lot of you may realise this about me. When i like a guy, i really like a guy. On that note i'm REALLY fussy with guys. So lets just say i meet a guy. If there is some form of attraction, i'l be able to get over the guy pretty easily and move on. However, if i've liked a guy for a while and let's just say i really like him, it'll take me a while to get over it. But that's only in situations, where i know the guy is pretty keen as well. I'm not gonna sit and dwell on a guy if he doesn't like me. Straight forward, i'l move on. But things like ex's and 'possibles' are such a downfall for me hey. However i think i've grown a lot stronger since my previous break up and i think i can handle it better now. And i think i'm babbling and contradicting myself heavily in this paragraph so i'm just gonna move on...:) Basically what i'm trying to say is, i can't be with one guy the one night and another guy the other night. Get the point?

On that note... why is it that when somebody tends to go out a lot or head off for a good night in Durban, a lot of people classify them as being 'dodge' or 'gone off the rails'? What is that? I think it occurs a lot in the context of the church. I'm sure a lot of my friends see me as being 'dodge' now. Especially those i sat religiously in church with. Don't worry guys, i'm still the same person inside and out. Many people tend to generalize or stereotype when it comes to going out, drinking or whatever it may be. I'm sure a lot of you know what i mean and probably experienced the same judgements.

I just want to say that i still feel the same, i still have the same emotions and fears and i still share a one on one, day to day relationship with God. Just like anybody, i still have my concerns and possible doubts here and there but i'm still the same person you once knew or once met.

I'm sorry if i've made my relationship with God seem 'wish-washed', but i'm using it merely as an example in this blog, rather than the basis of this post. I think in time, i will post a new post on my spiritual basis with God and the possible questions which arise within myself.

Point is, don't judge me because of my choices in this particular area of my life. Please don't classify me as another servant of God gone 'dodge'. I still carry the same morals and beliefs and even though my decisons and motives may have changed here and there, i'm still me:)

So thanks to all those friends of mine that still see the same person they knew when we first met and all those who may have forgiven or excused any unjustifiable things i may have done to alter your views of me.

Anyway.. i'm sorry for all the babble. I think this medication is still in the bloodstream!

Thanks for hearing me out! I would alsolove to hear what you guys have to say!

I'm off to sleep now! Got another long day ahead of me tomorrow with speech clinic....

Sweet dreams*