Dreaming with a broken heart...

Well... tonight i made the wrong move by slicing open healing wounds.

I stumbled across a song on my computer which i really love with all my heart, but it continues to bring forth memories of my ex. A time where we both met and where nothing seemed to have gone wrong. It was a time where the goosebumps use to appear on my skin everytime i received an sms from him. It was a stage where we both got together and the song brought such comfort to the relationship. It was like we were floating on cloud nine. I still remember sitting in his car with his cologne subtly filling the air. He would play the cd for me over again and and it appeared that nothing could go wrong. There was such a sense of compassion for one another. I use to play the songs of the cd over again, throughout our relationship.
It use to bring me such comfort.

By playing these songs, it would take me to a place i prefered to be. In his arms. At a dam. Under the stars. Or on the top of a hill, watching the world pass by together. By playing these songs, i experienced a sense of peace.

I carelessy slipped in the wrong cd tonight and over and over again, each song hit me like a knife stabbing through a bleeding heart. Each breath was compensated by a tear. Each tear represented a piece of my heart. Tonight i shed the same tears i once shed when i knew the days were over. I look through the album of memories, displayed on my computer and long to replace these photos with new memories.

I knew it was wrong to look back. Instaed of bringing contentment, i was enveloped by a wave of grief. I know they say time can only tell. And i do believe i am stronger than what i thought. Truth is that sometimes i think it's ok to look back. As tough as it may be, it's good to realise that you can be happy like that again. It's good to realise that you grow up and realise that you're worth a whole lot more and that there really is something better out there for you. It's true when they say that if it doesn't kill you,it only makes you stronger. Whats is sad though is that a lot of my trust was put into this relationship and it's sad to believe that i don't think i'l be able to give the next guy the same amount of trust as what i gave my ex. I guess it makes one more weary of who we can trust and who we can love.

I once began a journal and within this journal, i wrote out a few thoughts of my feelings at the time. I'm going to post a page from what i had written in the journal after the breakup:

Date: 31st August '06

I feel like the pressure inside of me is starting to reach it's limits. The fire deep inside of me just keeps burning and gets hotter and hotter. I can't stop crying. The tears just keep streaming. Happiness and joy become unfamiliar to me and a foreign language. I feel as though i don't know myself anymore. It's as if the whole world were spinning around me. Spinning with joy and happiness, laughing at me while i just stand there in the middle. My prides and joys have been stripped from my bare skin and my happiness sucked out of me, leaving me feeling empty and most of all tired. I wake up every morning with my blanket suffocating me with the thoughts of unworthiness and the feeling of being alone. I feel as though my heart has torn apart and ripped into threads as the world passes before my eyes. How i wish for the pain to stop. I wish it were the end. I wish the unanswered questions that were constantly gnawing at my brain and every inch of my body would just dissipate and let things be. Loneliness has become my new best friend. It sucks out my breath, like a leach pierced within my skin. I'm like a doll. A mask of happiness on the outside but crying in the inside. A sense of emptiness, numbness and coldness overwhelm me. I write and cannot stop writing, but find hinderance in the fact that i can only express myself to a certain degree and then i'm speechless. It's true that words can never express the true heart, but one can break it. Mine was broken and i still hold the shattered pieces in the palm of my hands.

Ok so i'm sorry if that was really dramatic but i really was bumbed at that stage of my life.Don't worry, as suicidal as it sounds i'm not:) I'm very expressive when it comes to my emotions, as i don't express them much verbally. Ok so i guess i'm not feeling the same now as what i was back then. I'm feeling a lot stronger. I actually feel MUCH better after writing this blog!I always made a promise to myself that i would never let a guy affect me so badly that it changes who i am. I failed because at this stage in my life i had come to place i never ever wanted to be and i was there. I've grown now and i'm sticking to that promise now. Never again am i letting a guy affect me to such a degree that i had to rely on him to be happy. I am happy as an individual and don't need to rely on anyone for my happiness.I'm also not as shy when it comes to putting my foot down with the male species:)

Now i know why they say it only makes you stronger. I can never regret what happened either because i am a stronger person today because of it.

Thanks for hearing me out!
Hope it's been a lesson learnt for all of us...
I will touch a little more in my next couple blogs but i am gonna be off now.
Must put my mind to ease*
Mwah*